We know what humans think of cats — cuddly, independent, liable to vomit on the nearest area rug — but what do cats think about humans? Scientists say cats think we’re just bigger cats and treat us accordingly, but surely more is going on than that. I asked my cat, Stella, whether she thinks I’m a cat.

Me: Stella, do you think i’m a cat?

Of course not. You’re a hippopotamus.

What? I look nothing like a hippopotamus.

A beluga whale, then. Amazing you’ve survived this long outside water.

Be serious.

I am serious — I’ve seen you lie on the couch and watch golf.

You have no idea what I am, do you?

You’re a sloth. A crustacean. A large snail? An amalgamation of barnacles.

I’m a human, Stella.

Is that like a water buffalo?

That’s nothing like a water buffalo.

Funny how they look so much alike.

Stella, humans are higher animals capable of advanced thinking and reasoning. They take care of cats, for instance.

Since when?

Since five seconds ago, when you meowed at me and I fed you.

Wrong. I meowed to remind you that food is necessary for BOTH of us to survive. You forget that every couple of hours, you know. Humans are really dumb.

Oh, really?

You’d sleep all night if it weren’t for cats.

That’s the point, Stella.

You can’t race around for hours in the dark like a maniac if you’re asleep, idiot.
You’re also a bunch of hypochondriacs.

How so?

Every day you get in your car and go to the vet.

I go to work, Stella.

Don’t kid me. Cars are for going to the vet. And humans go to the vet a lot, judging by what I see driving by our house. Such a sickly species. I can’t believe you’ve survived this long.

Any other ways we’ve failed you?

Too much microfiber. Who buys cat trees made out of microfiber?

That’s MY furniture, Stella.

And just once I wish you’d prepare the food I bring home.

I won’t eat dismembered insects, Stella.

Says a man who eats vegetables. And that reminds me: Why don’t we have a chicken farm?

Because we’re not chicken farmers?

That right there is your problem in a nutshell.

Hey, at least I provide a roof over your head!

When my great desire is to live outside — GREAT JOB reading cats, human.

So you really do think cats are smarter than humans?

I’m not the one who’s about to open a can of wet food to keep me from vomiting on the rug.

You wouldn’t do that.

Use your brain — of course I would.

About the author: Catster.com contributor Michael Leaverton has written a wide variety of articles in the past 11 years, very few of which after consulting with his cat. That ends here. Stella is an 11-year-old Bengal with a firm editorial grip on her handler, whom she rescued from an alt-weekly in San Francisco many meals ago. She likes it when he writes about chicken. They currently live in San Diego.

Featured Image Credit: Svetlana Rey, Shutterstock

The post Do Our Cats Believe That We Are Cats Too, Only Bigger? by Michael Leaverton appeared first on Catster. Copying over entire articles infringes on copyright laws. You may not be aware of it, but all of these articles were assigned, contracted and paid for, so they aren't considered public domain. However, we appreciate that you like the article and would love it if you continued sharing just the first paragraph of an article, then linking out to the rest of the piece on Catster.com.

When you’re throwing a party, you always have part of your brain on the whereabouts and the emotional status of your cat — even more so when you’re throwing a party for your cat. There’s always the question: Is the cat going to make this all go to hell? Am I? Should I bring out the laser pointer and really get this party started? Here are seven Someecards that deal with entertaining and cats — even if you’re just entertaining the idea of taking your cat out to dinner.

Top 7 Someecards About the “Joys” of Entertaining With Cats

1. Cats: They make celebrations more exciting!

2. And also dangerous!

3. Though sometimes we let things get a little out of hand

4. When they don’t get a lot out of hand

5. Even so, cats have a way of bringing people together

6. When they’re not keeping them apart

7. Or making them completely nuts

Feature Image Credit: Vika hova, Shutterstock

The post 7 Someecards About the “Joys” of Entertaining With Cats by Michael Leaverton appeared first on Catster. Copying over entire articles infringes on copyright laws. You may not be aware of it, but all of these articles were assigned, contracted and paid for, so they aren't considered public domain. However, we appreciate that you like the article and would love it if you continued sharing just the first paragraph of an article, then linking out to the rest of the piece on Catster.com.

Most cats wouldn’t dream of using your new ficus as a scratching post. Yet such behavior is de rigueur for what we’d call demanding cats. (We would say “difficult,” but we’re too nice for that.)

The Joys of Living With Demanding Cats

1. Demanding cats: You can eat with them!

2. And exercise!

3. And even snuggle!

4. Plus, the kids love them

5. And Santa likes a challenge

6. Don’t forget the joys of sleeping

7. As well as cat care

8. Plus, they’re great in groups

9. And even better than TV

Feature Image Credit: Karpova, Shutterstock

The post Why Is My Cat So Demanding? Ways To Deal With a Demanding Cat by Michael Leaverton appeared first on Catster. Copying over entire articles infringes on copyright laws. You may not be aware of it, but all of these articles were assigned, contracted and paid for, so they aren't considered public domain. However, we appreciate that you like the article and would love it if you continued sharing just the first paragraph of an article, then linking out to the rest of the piece on Catster.com.

When we heard about Kuching’s Cat Museum the other day, our first thought was, we’re going to Malaysia! We hope they have a Courtyard Marriott! But then we realized that it’s a museum filled with cat stuff, and not a museum for cats. We want a museum for cats, basically. You know, where cats go to look at stuff. How hard could it be? People make catios. It could be like that, only more like the Louvre. Here’s how they could fill it.

Inaugural exhibits at the first-ever museum for cats (to be opened in the fall, once someone gets a Kickstarter going)

In the Grande Entrance Hall:

• “Gilded Cat Poop From Antiquity”
• “A New World: Glorious Cat Poop From the Renaissance”
• “Petrified Cat Poop From the Pre-Columbian Era”
• “What the F**K Is That?! Abstract Cat Poop From the ’50s”
• “Pop Art Cat Poop: The Legacy of Jeff Koons”
• “Cubism and Cat Poop: The Genius of Raoul, Spain’s Iron-Deficient Master”

In the Main Hall:

• “Collar Fashions in the 1980s: The Great Upheaval”
• “The Velvet Revolution: Clawed Chairs of the ’60s and ’70s”
• “Comfortable Couches of the late 20th Century, Presented by IKEA” (interactive)
• “Great Sunbeams Throughout History”
• “Warm Laps” (interactive; laps courtesy of volunteers from the senior center)
• “Blankets, Ranked” (interactive)

In the other Main Hall:

• “Anatomical Cross-Sections of Small Woodland Creatures”
• “Great moments in Running Water, Presented by Kohler” (interactive)
• “Birds of North America” (eat what you catch)
• “Cat Foods of the World, Presented by Purina” ($20 tasting menu)

Somewhere near the front (?):

• “Sleep Train Sleep Zones, Presented by Sleep Train” (interactive; shh)
  
• “FedEx Shipping Box Wednesdays, Presented by FedEx” (interactive)
• “Outsider Art: The Great Litter Mandala of 4359 Mockingbird Lane, Plano, Texas” (generously funded by the inhabitants of 4359 Mockingbird Lane, Plano, Texas)
• “Cute Kitten Sundays” (cute kittens free; all others $2)
• “You Gonna Finish That? Great Counter-Cruisers Throughout History”

Elsewhere:

• “Aretha Franklin Presents a Vocal Tribute to the Fancy Feast Cat” (1 p.m. in the Great Bowl, daily)
• “Slam Cats: Open Mic for Local Cats” (daily, constantly)
• “Katy Perry Pets a Maine Coon” (various locations, permanent collection)
• “Guns and Roses” (Oct. 15, noon)

Speaker series:

• Maru, “Boxes I Have Known,” Oct. 10, whenever he wakes up
• Grumpy Cat, “Any Fool Can Learn to Juggle,” Oct. 11, whenever she wakes up
• Henri Le Chat Noir, “A Feather Toy? Are You Insane?!” Oct. 13, whenever he wakes up
• Lil Bub, “What? What’s Going On? What Are We Doing?” Oct. 14, whenever she wakes up
• Hamilton the Hipster Cat, “Sup, Man? You Got an Extra Sardine?” Oct.14, whenever he wakes up

I see no reason why this should not happen right away. We would fund $10 to a cat museum Kickstarter immediately. What kind of cat exhibits would your cat like to see? Let us know in the comments.

All photos via a real cat art show, last January’s “Cat Art Show | Los Angeles,” which we talked about here and here.

Top image Kunal Mehta / Shutterstock.com

The post The First-Ever Museum for Cats: The 26 Inaugural Exhibits by Michael Leaverton appeared first on Catster. Copying over entire articles infringes on copyright laws. You may not be aware of it, but all of these articles were assigned, contracted and paid for, so they aren't considered public domain. However, we appreciate that you like the article and would love it if you continued sharing just the first paragraph of an article, then linking out to the rest of the piece on Catster.com.

Over at Dogster, we’ve been hearing a lot about people having birthday parties for their dogs, complete with guest lists, presents, and cake, but we haven’t seen much of that over at Catster. We hope to change that. Here’s our official and utterly nonsensical guide to throwing the perfect birthday party for your cat.

How to Throw a Birthday Party for Your Cat

• Head to the party supply store and buy an assortment of balloons, streamers, and party favors. Now return all that stuff to the store. This is a birthday party for a cat.
• Drive to the best fish market in town, park, sit in your car, and think long and hard about exactly what you are doing. Start the car and go home.
• Invite human friends, though it is likely your cat doesn’t have human friends per se but rather people she tolerates for very short moments, months apart. Invite these people. Man, what a great party this is going to be.
• Invite cat friends. If you cat doesn’t have any cat friends, some can be picked up for next to nothing at the local humane society or shelter. If this sounds like a good idea to you, you should stop reading this and immediately find a better home for your cat.
• Plan some great activities for the party. One idea is to sew raw fish onto wind-up toys and get the hell out of the way. Hopefully nobody will happen to stop by for a visit and see the crazy tableau you’ve got going there on the kitchen floor.
• Another idea is to play pin the tail on the dog. You’ll have to play this alone because your cat will not understand what the hell you are doing with the dog.
• Alternatively, you can play a rousing game of musical chairs. Again, you’ll have to play this alone because you have a cat.
• As for refreshments, turn on all the faucets in the house. When your kitty wakes up in the morning, tell her, “The bar is open!” Keep the faucets running all day. Don’t turn off the faucets, whatever you do.
• Music is a tough one, because the only sound most kitties like is the sound of a can opener slicing into a can of cat food. Fortunately, John Mayer’s latest album sounds exactly like this.
• Cats are difficult to buy gifts for, because they’re often indifferent to gifts and it can be days or months before they warm up to a present and give it a fair shot. If you cat is indifferent to your gift, stand up, exit the room, lock yourself in your bathroom and cry your eyes out.
• If your cat actively hates your gift, you bought him a litter box, didn’t you?
• When it’s time to sing “Happy Birthday,” stick a candle into a breast of chicken and check to see whether anybody is coming up the walk or passing by. If the coast is clear, start singing at the top of your lungs, really belting it out, substituting meows for some or even all of the words. You can dance, too. Who cares? Your cat will be under the bed by now and will miss everything.
• If you made your cat a birthday cake, ask yourself, does this cake resemble a chunk of chicken, exactly, from the appearance to the texture to the taste? If you answered no, then start again. Foster Farms makes a good pre-cooked cat birthday cake with grill marks for $3.49 (southwest style).
• If you’re the kind of person who likes to pretend that catnip is contraband for kitties, have you thought of hosting a ’60s-themed drug party? Just put an assortment of different catnips into baggies, play Janis Joplin, and rap to your cat using ’60s phraseology. Isn’t this a great idea?

Some final dos and don’ts for your birthday party for your cat

Do: Invite your boss and that one checker at the supermarket who always asks how your day is going.

Don’t: Let your cat sleep all day, because it’s her special day and she damn well better enjoy it.

Do: Make a courtesy call to the neighbors that you’re having a party for your cat, and would they like to bring an appetizer or a dip?

Don’t: Buy your cat a new litter box, unless it has a slide.

Do: Consider renting a bouncy castle, then slap your head as you remember what happened last year. Your cat hates bouncy castles, silly!

Don’t: Serve appetizers with little toothpicks in them. Cats can’t handle it.

Do: Buy your cat a new cat tree, or extend the one you have to make a forest.

Don’t: Buy yourself all new kitchen appliances on Amazon so your cat can have the boxes.

Do: Forget everything on this list and just go to a bookstore, ask for their old boxes, and introduce them in your living room one after the other. You’re done. Cat birthday.

Feature Image credit: Skarynka Alena, Shutterstock

The post How to Throw a Birthday Party for Your Cat by Michael Leaverton appeared first on Catster. Copying over entire articles infringes on copyright laws. You may not be aware of it, but all of these articles were assigned, contracted and paid for, so they aren't considered public domain. However, we appreciate that you like the article and would love it if you continued sharing just the first paragraph of an article, then linking out to the rest of the piece on Catster.com.

If we hear of anybody else trying and failing to open a cat park we’re going to be sick. (You needed 50,000 signatures and you only got 253? Seriously, Vancouver?) Please stop trying, community groups. There is no such thing as a cat park and there will never be. Here’s why.

Cats Are Private

Stop by a dog park and wait five seconds. What do you see? Urinating and defecating dogs. It’s disgusting. It’s amazing anyone goes in there. Why don’t you just lick an elevator button, dog owners? Giving cats the chance to defecate and urinate in front of all the world so you can gather round and applaud them when they do so — dog owners! — is the worst idea ever, because cats are not going to play ball.

Cats are not going to poop. Cats are experts at not pooping. If you ever want to see how fantastic a cat is at not pooping, then just put him in a kennel for the first time in his life and go to Hawaii for two weeks. Freaking cat just ruined your trip.

Cats Are Solitary

Cats don’t like to gambol with other cats they have just met, because they’re too busy preparing to kill one another — when they’re not actually killing one another. Ruthless predators are bad at mingling.

The only time cats get together on the spur of the moment is when large prey must be taken down during group kills, or when a wounded possum wanders bleeding down an alley and the bloodlust takes over and five cats tear it apart in minutes, securing body parts for their owners at home. Cats are badass.

Cats Won’t Run

Don’t cajole, don’t throw a ball, don’t show Peppers how it’s done. Cats aren’t going to run unless there’s a fowler on hand, releasing doves soaked in chicken stock from a cage every ten minutes. That’s actually a reason to build a cat park right there. Let’s put that in the plus column.

Cats Won’t Even Walk Around

If someone ever builds a cat park, filled with natural grasses and reclaimed-pine scratching trees and state-of-the-art water features, do you know what you’re going to see? Isolated, quivering mounds with distended claws and wide eyes, like little furry hillocks of paranoia and fear-rage. Cats don’t like to be dropped into Great Unknown Zones. Do you have any idea how long it takes a cat to acclimate to a new area? 98 hours and 10 minutes, according to my study, How Long It Took for My Cat to Come Out from Under the Bed and Nose Around the New House After I Moved, whereas my dog was already having sex with the mailbox before I’d unlocked the door.

You build a cat park, and it’ll be a Cold War in that cat park, with dead silence and nothing moving, until an acorn drops and the cats get startled and the place turns hot and it all goes to hell. You don’t want to be there when that happens. You don’t want your kids there when that happens. You want to be as far away from that cat park as possible.

And that’s why there’s no such thing as a cat park.

Photo credits: Gray tabby on leash, two playing cats and cat fight by Shutterstock.

The post Why Are There No Cat Parks? Reasons & Considerations by Michael Leaverton appeared first on Catster. Copying over entire articles infringes on copyright laws. You may not be aware of it, but all of these articles were assigned, contracted and paid for, so they aren't considered public domain. However, we appreciate that you like the article and would love it if you continued sharing just the first paragraph of an article, then linking out to the rest of the piece on Catster.com.